Lover Of The Light

I know I tried

I was not stable

And flawed by pride

I miss my sanguine eyes

So hold my hands up - breathe in and breathe out

So love the one you hold

And I'll be your goal

To have and to hold

A lover of the lights

And in the middle of the night

I may watch you go

There'll be no value in the strength

Of walls that I have grown

There'll be no comfort in the shade

Of the shadows thrown

You may not trust the promises

Of the change I'll show

But I'd be yours if you'd be mine.

.

I worry. 

Egg

I found robin egg shells in the yard today. One has a tiny peck hole on it. 

angels and demons

At some point in your life, you will meet someone who you will never be able to escape. They will always be part of you. A part of your past, your dreams at night, conversation and random thoughts throughout life. They may remain in your life or exit it for whatever reason. Regardless, that person will always be the reason. 

Accidental Destiny

"I don't know if we have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin' around accidental-like on a breeze, 
but I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happenin' at the same time."

I'm sitting here watching this movie and thinking about my past. Thinking of all the people I've met, stupid decisions made, journeys I've had, times I regret and things I wish I could change. In the past, I really did things that showed the demons inside me. I've made many decisions in my adult life that were selfish, vindictive, hurtful and to be honest, crazy. I am deeply shamed and sorry for these times in my life. More than anyone could comprehend. 

I'm thinking about all the lies told to me and blindness that I had towards peoples intentions. Thinking of all the hurt and anger I felt because someone didn't love themselves enough, let alone me. My story is playing so different now without those people. Yes, I do miss them, but I never forget how they hurt me. *Ripped me off like a band-aid*  and tossed me of their lives. I can't lie, I miss them. I worry. I'm human. 

A person cannot make another person change. Some people are determined to get out of their small town, while others get stagnant and never see more. Some people will talk, some people will watch, others will do. Some will float around in the wind. Others will make their own destiny. 

I want more for my life than this. I know there is more. I know there's tons more people to meet. There's opportunity. There will be more hurt to be felt and failure to be shameful of. But it's a new beginning. A rebirth. There's redemption in seeing a stranger in every face. There's hope that while in the face of my past, it may try to destroy me, but I have better plans. I'm happy. This I will stay. I'm making my own destiny. 

Twenty-Four: A Story of Hope

 "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." 

The quote above originates from one of my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption. In the story, Andy, a wrongfully-imprisoned young man finds friendship in an unexpected man, Red - a convicted murder. Despite the opposition of life, Andy and Red endure the long years of prison together, learning and growing from each others differences. Andy has a sort of way about him that disturbs most - because he is different. His chin is held high and his fortitude is steady. He doesn't falter. He has a plan all the while.

Red was what the insiders call "institutionalized", meaning they have spent their life incarcerated. This is is the only way of life they know - it's what they are good at. As a young man, he took the life of someone else, spending the bulk of his inside the walls of Shawshank. This is where he met Andy. The two became inseparable friends, trusting and encouraging the other to see the bigger plan for their life. Ironically, Andy had spent his nearly two decades in prison tunneling through the prison wall with a rock hammer. He escaped to Zihuatanejo but not before leaving a very significant letter for Red under an important tree previously directed to Red.

"Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'."

After Red is released on parole, he contemplates the inevitable and convenient return to his 50-year home of Shawshank Prison. He makes a leap of courage - or faith so have you. He remembers his promise to Andy and ventures to the tree in Buxton, digging up the letter and enough cash for him to comfortably decide his fate. Red violates his parole by getting on a bus and traveling to the sandy beach of Zihuatanejo, where he meets his friend again.




Often times I find myself living by the premise of this film. It's a sound directive to live a full life, unaltered by temporary tribulations and the weight of hopelessness. Unfortunately, there's no handbook titled "How To Live The Perfect Life". We live a fulfilling life by selflessly loving others through our actions. We learn that we repel humans when we have self-centered agendas. We learn to never settle for less than we deserve. To sweat the small things. That sometimes the sound of silence can be the sweetest melody. We love with our whole heart and on a few occasions that isn't enough. Sometimes we are destroyed, but the beauty of life is discovered when we regain our light -
our hope.

Realizing this, we open our wings and take flight, soaring through this glorious light. This light -
this hope - engulfs us. The clouds come, the rains pour, but we are dancers. Awake and unafraid.
Hope. A good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.

- Kristen